Are Your Expectations Too High? (Weekly Challengers, 2/4/2008)
Often one of the biggest challenges we face in life is living up to our own expectations. And when we fail to live up to those expectations, we kick ourselves. A lot.
The dangerous thing about our self-expectations is that we tend to set them too high. We’d never expect a friend or family member or co-worker or person-on-the-street to live up to the standards we set for ourselves. In fact, we’d probably tell a friend who expected from him/herself what we expect from ourselves to, “Loosen up!” or, “Get real!”
So this week, pay attention to the expectations you hold for yourself. Are they reasonable or just a bit too high? And how do you treat yourself when you fail to meet them?
(For more on how we meet the negative expectations we set for ourselves, please visit my blog at theMuseblogs.)
P.S. Why not keep those resolutions this year? You can with the help of a life coach. For an absolutely free, no obligation, no sales-pitch intro session, just email me at Muse@ManageYourMuse.com.
February 6th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
No, I don’t think that we have set our expections to high. I believe that if we think that we can do something then we should at least try to do it. It is better to try and to miss the mark than never try to do something because you are afraid of missing the mark.
I have set my expectations, according to my husband too high for myself. I am working on learning to be a copy writer, an author, a crafter and working on creating a book that will help my friend and myself lose weight, eat , feel and live better.
My first order of business, is organizing my home office, and the rest of the house. First things first, so I can think clearly in my office. Second, working on my weight book, and then learning to be a copy writer, and an author and then, when I get tired of those things work on a craft project. I still don’t think that it unreasonable for me.
So with that, I believe that most of us set our expectations on the low side of our lives. I know that because I have been doing that for most of my life, until now.
Thank you for listening, I feel much better now.
Carly
February 7th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Carly, thank you for your post. I’m glad you feel better after expressing yourself here; please feel free to contribute any time! I love it when people disagree with me; it’s how I learn and grow.
Congratulations, Carly, for setting expectations for yourself that you feel are realistic. It’s true, some people have very low expectations of themselves–almost negative expecations. And they never seem to get anywhere.
More than that, you’ve even got them prioritized!
On the other hand, others can take reasonable and appropriate expectations (such as yours!) and turn them into impossibilities by setting unrealistic deadlines for themselves.
Honing your writing skills (you’ve got a good start on that, judging from your post) and writing a book are two excellent goals that feed into each other. You can improve your writing skills by working on your book; you can improve your book by working on your writing skills. The expectations come in as soon as you set a deadline for reaching those goals. Are you hoping to finish your book in six months? One year? Three? Or maybe you’ll be content to allow the project to take as long as it takes. (That’s how I wrote Change One Habit, Change Your Life; I let it write itself at its own pace; it took nearly two years).
There are ways we can set ourselves up for failure no matter how reasonable our expectations. And that’s what I’m cautioning people about.
February 11th, 2008 at 11:09 am
I thank you for your response to my rant.
Thank you for pointing out that my goals for writing a book are very much the same. And the fact that I have them priotized too, that’s great too. I believe that for the people that I have shared my goals with, you were the one of the few that didn’t poohoo them. Thank you for that too.
I am finding a lot about myself in working on my goals. I didn’t know that I really loved research, and I didn’t know that I was partically good at expressing myself in print. I am in sales, and I think that I can express myself on my product, I just didn’t realize that I could put my thoughts in print and others could be moved by what I wrote. That is very cool.
The way that I feel about writing, is that I have never really done it before so I am thinking that it will take me longer than most. But then, what does that mean, really. How long does it take to write your innermost thoughts down on paper (computer screen)? I wrote a poem, and was suprised by the time it took after playing with it for a while, it went on paper rather quickly. Now, I am not sure if when I am writing my books, that it will go on paper that quickly. But, the way I feel getting something down on paper is more than most people do or want to do, that the time it will take is the time that it will take.
My question to you since you are a author, what was you process in writing you book, Change One Habit, Change Your Life? I was listening to a interview that Oprah was having with an author, and he noted that he had the thought, and did research and made an outline and broke them into chapters and from that wrote his book. I think that sounds like a wonderful way to write. Is that the way that you did it? I am sure that there are many, many ways to write, I would love to hear what your process is.
Thank you for getting back to me. And for your encouragemant.
Carly
February 17th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Hi, Carly, sorry it took me so long to get back to you.
First of all, I have to say that I NEVER, EVER poo-poo somebody’s dreams. I have an old Pogo cartoon framed and hanging on my wall, and I want to quote a bit from it:
Pogo: “We sure spent a lot of time on ths rock for not doin’ anything.”
Porkypine: “Not true. We got a lot o’ dreamin’ done.”
Pogo: “But dreamin’ ain’t exactly work.”
Porkypine: “Dreamin’ is too work. . . and a good investmint asides.”
Pogo: “How you figger that?”
Porkypine: “There’s no money down, an’ furtherly, dreams allus keep pace with inflation.”
As I see it, dreams are an investment in yourself, and in your future. You can’t set goals if you don’t have dreams!
Now on to my writing process. I have written one book, and one book proposal. The book proposal I did linearly — research first, then make notes, prepare the outline, then write. It was more of a chore than a pleasure, and the resulting proposal was dry and boring. (And was rejected.)
When I wrote my book, I let it flow naturally. I wrote regularly–a couple of times a week, sometimes a full day at a time–but I didn’t worry about the finished product. In fact, my motto was “Get it down, don’t get it good.” Then I’d go back and fill in the holes, doing the research as I discovered something was missing. Of course, my book was about something I was somewhat of a expert in, so I didn’t need to start by learning the topic. It was fun, it felt easy, and the book got published.
I think everyone has their own way of doing things. The important thing is to find a way that works for you and that you enjoy. And don’t let anyone else tell you it’s wrong. If you’re getting words on the page on a regular basis, and mostly enjoying the process, then it’s the right way for you.
February 18th, 2008 at 8:45 am
No, I never for one moment thought that you were popooing my dreams. I love your Pogo cartoon. I remember reading it when I was a kid, but my paper doesn’s have it here. I thought that it no longer being published.
Ok, if you would be so kind as to explain as to what you meant by ‘leting it flow”. One of the problems that I am having is keeping my mind on actual writing. I am finding that doing research has been a lot more fun that I thought that it would ever be, and.. Perhaps what one of my problems is that I keep on thinking of the end result the finish book. I had listened to a author that Oprah had on her show, and he stated that he had written his book the same way that you outlined, and now he is published. I am wondering why you felt as though it was dry and uninspiring. The more I think about things, the more I believe that if our attitueds are 110% others will pick up on that and then their attitudes to pick up on at least 25 or 30% of that 110% that we are expressing. In other words, if you are excited by what you are able to offer others will pick up on that “vibe” (sorry I am a child of the 60’s) and be more excited about it as well. For what its worth, now that you are published, you should try your first book again, but this time with feeling. (HAHAHA)
In my job, one of the things that we need to offer to our clients is our extended warranty, I have been doing very well in people taking it, and I believe that the attitude that I show is the main reason people take advantage of it. My company require us to have at least 75% on it, and I am pleased to report that I am able to have at least 85% and sometimes even 95%. I make the assumption that they will want it, after I propose it. A sales person that assumes the sale, will get the sale more often, than the sales person that begges for the sale. It is in the attitude, my friend.
Your book, if you decide to do it again, will be much better because of your attitude towards it and of course your experience with the first one. It is alwasy harder to do something the first time, but not impossible. That is what I am telling myself. I listen to everyone and then I will, and am, making my own decisions on how I will write. I just know one thing for sure, that I will write.
That is truly one great thing about dreams, they cost nothing, but they can cause action if you listen to them, and believe in them. And I believe that is what I am doing. Grandma Moses is my inspiration, I can’t believe that at 80 years old she painted her first picture. I am much yournger than her, so what am I waiting for. INSPIRATION, PERSPERATION, AND LUCK.
Thank you again or your words of wisdom.
Carly
February 19th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Ah, Carly, you hit the nail on the head, when you said that you kept focusing on the finished product. That’s what I did with the first book; I focused on finishing. With the second, I focused on writing, on the process of it, and was much more present and in the moment with it. And that being present with it, focusing on the process of it, is what I mean by letting it flow.
Outlining vs. not depends upon your style. I have many, many author friends and each of them has a different approach. Many of them, especially the fiction writers, work from a written outline that gives them their general direction. (I have a written outline for my fiction, too.) And yet every one of them ends up having the story and/or a couple of characters surprise them here and there with something they hadn’t expected. And they go with the flow, rather than trying to force things into their preconceived ideas.
I think the bottom line, whether outlined or not
— sorry, bad pun — is that there aren’t any universal rules that always work. In the foreword to Natalie Goldberg’s book, “Writing Down the Bones” Judith Guest (Author of “Ordinary People”) talks about her experience trying to write her second novel. She says “For six painful years I struggled until I finally figured out that the rules for “Ordinary People” simply didn’t apply to the next situation. It was natural and understandable that I was having difficulty. I was writing a different novel; I was exploring a new path.”
Carly, you are right on (I’m a child of the 60’s too!) when you say “Inspiration, perspiration, and luck.” Thomas Edison said “Genius is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.” Notice he didn’t mention outlines and rules. If an outline works for you, and supports you, use it! If you find yourself working hard to support your outline, try something else.
But write! Come back to the page, over and over again, and just write. Keep doing your research, and start writing anyway. Don’t wait until you’re “finished” with your research. Research is never finished, and it is never complete. Once you start to write, you’ll discover gaps and holes you’ll have to go back and fill in.
So, exactly, what is this book about? I’m curious!
February 20th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Oh, wow!!! Thanks for your inspiration. I have decided to write a cook book first, including a lot of the research that I have done, and sadly doing still. You hit the nail right on the head with writing and when you see that something is missing, then go back to the research. I will really keep that in mind.
As I said before, I work full time, and when I get the chance I write. The first thing before I do more research, more writing, more anything, I am getting my “office” organized. It is getting there, I just got a couple of book shelves and put them together all by my self. Not bad!!!! And then the plan is filling them with stuff that I have on my desk. So instead of plowing through stuff to find what I am looking for, I will be able to go to the book shelves and (my goal) go right to it and continue with what I am working on it at that time. Rather than plowing throught stuff, and gettting distracted with other stuff that I find. OOH too easy.
And then, my next book will be about my childhood. I had quite a childhood, and I am hoping that when I am able to get down what happened and how I am dealing with it even now, it will help someone else that perhaps that may be going down a simular road. I believe in helping by fellow woman, man espically when they are in trouble or believe that they have no choice but to do what someone else tells them to do; when they know in their gut that it is the wrong thing for them to do.
Oh, man I need to work on my spelling, and my puncuation. (remember I am not only a child of the 60’s but a child of California’s school system) HAHAHA. So What can I say!!!!
Well, have a great day and Write on, baby!!!! And thanks for listening once again.
Carly
November 12th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
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November 13th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Ok, Lucinda. You also have my interest. What are you saying? Sounds rather looks, somewhat like pig latin. Will you let me in on you secret?
Thankx, Carly