Needing acknowledgement
I like to give. I give my time, my home, my cooking, stuff. It’s my “love language.” So when I don’t “get” back, I feel a teeny bit unloved. Unappreciated. Unnoticed. And I’ve been feeling a lot of that lately.
It’s not that I develop relationships in order to “get” from others. In fact, I tend to give–and give too much. But lately I’ve started to feel as though I give and give and give and never get anything in return.
What’s really interesting, though, is that I don’t feel that way when I coach, and it has nothing to do with getting paid. My clients pay me back with trust. They share their journeys with me, and invite me along their path of self-discovery. They give me the gift of themselves–and I need nothing more. Yet they give me more, when they consider my ideas, say “thank you,” tell me something worked. Or didn’t. I think I value that as much as anything–because if they trust me enough to say “you’re wrong,” that’s a gift.
So why am I not just as satisfied with what I get back from my other relationships? Perhaps it’s because those relationships are based more upon doing than being. Perhaps it’s because our roles are less defined. I don’t know.
But I know I love coaching. And my clients. Which is why I’m so picky about who I invite into my practice. And why I love my practice so very, very much.
Tags: acknowledgement
February 13th, 2008 at 10:56 am
I’m sorry you’re feeling unacknowledged. I’m sure you want to be acknowledged, known, loved.
I love you, and I hear you.
Dawn
February 15th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Hi, Dawn — thanks! I love you too. You’ve always acknowledged me! Lynn
March 2nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I know how you feel, I spend most of the time looking after everyone, I give, give, give…and I like it, and most of the time I don’t even expect anything back, but today is my birthday and I am all alone…
I am supportive to my friends,family,and my boyfriend even in the roughest times I’m there for them, if they are happy, I am happy for them, if they cry, I do my best to comfort them, if they need help, I am there for them.
Ok…why do I feel lousy today? Because it is my birthday today, no one called, not my brother, his wife or his kids, none of my friends either, and my boyfriend sent me flowers, with a card that looks like the flower shop wrote the card!! “Congratulations, I hope you have many birthdays” period! He had to go and pick up his daughter somewhere because the kid’s mother’s car broke down, or so she said. He also said he would be here by 4pm, and it is 4pm already and nothing…
I know this is not the time to make decisions, but I feel like stop giving and start treating people the same way they treat me, I never ask for much, in fact, I never ask for anything special, and do I get it! NOTHING is what I get…nothing at all…
I know people have things to do, but darn, I was not asking for a huge party or anything, I was not even expecting presents…all I wanted was a call…from anyone…did I get it?? None so far…just my mom called me this morning, and after that, the phone has been dead.
None of my friends have called, my brother or his kids, one cousin that is very close to us and my aunt..that’s all, that’s my whole family…and none of them bothered to call.
Oh well…thank God we have one birthday a year…
March 4th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Hi, Annie –
Belated Happy Birthday! Here’s a dozen virtual roses for you–and a chocolate cake (is there any other kind?) and a hug.
Annie, you are an important, giving and wonderful person. You make a contribution to the world just by showing up with your large, generous heart. Your friends and family may take you for granted, but I guarantee they appreciate what you do–and would really, really miss it if you stopped doing it.
Besides, Annie, what you do for everyone is so much a part of who you are; you’d miss yourself, too, if you stopped.
Here’s hoping your friends and family wise up and give you the appreciation and acknowledgement you want and need and deserve. And by the way, have you asked them for it? It’s not the same as having it come spontaneously, but sometimes, people need a two by four across the forehead (figuratively, of course) in order to wake them up and get their attention. My DH needs that once in a while, too.
Thanks for writing and for being real, and for being you — Lynn
March 4th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
My mother was often concerned about whether she was valued by others.
Towards the end of her life she was ill, living in a nursing home. Friends frequently rang and visited then, which could be a bit overwhelming as she didn’t have the health to keep up with their interest in her.
One day I said to her “Be careful what you wish for” (referring to her previous concern about being appreciated). We both laughed. The love and friendship others had felt for her had been there all the time. They were simply busy in their everyday lives so hadn’t stopped to fully acknowledge how important she was to them …. until then. Other people DO care about you. Even if they don’t show it in the ways you want them to, your friendship enriches their lives.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:08 am
Lyndall, how wise. I love your insight that other people do care and appreciate me–and all of us–even if they don’t show it. And often, I think, they show it in ways we just don’t get. Sometimes it’s because we don’t know how to accept or believe a compliment. Sometimes it’s because we’re complimented on something we don’t value in ourselves, so we don’t get it. Sometimes it’s subtle, almost unsaid.
In my coach training, we were taught that there are two sides to a compliment or acknowledgment: the giving of it and the receiving of it. If a compliment you give (or appreciation) doesn’t “land;” (isn’t heard and accepted,) then it’s not a compliment.
So there’s work for everyone on both sides of the equation. Acknowledge and appreciate people more, and show it in a way that they get. If they don’t get it, then it doesn’t count.
And watch for, listen for, and accept the compliments and appreciation that are all around you. Take them into your heart and your soul.
BTW, Thanks, Tammy, for that great compliment today. I’m going to hold that one in my heart forever. (It was about me being an inspiration–a Muse, in fact. Yum!)
March 10th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Your comment about compliments clears up some confusion I’ve felt at times when I’d deliberately complimented a person and they didn’t seem to absorb what I was saying to them.
No need to send a response to this comment.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
When will I’ll learn?
I got dumped by my boyfriend for being nice to his daughter!!!
His daughter is two and a half years old, I’ve never seen her, until Sunday. I was so excited about meeting her!! When he told me he was going to bring her over after going to his parents. So I spent the time printing fun things to entertain the child, from what he tells me, she loves The Backyardigans, and according to him, she calls herself Uniqua! So I thought it would be nice having Backyardigan’s around for her to play with, or things she could play with him. I printed dominoes with the characters, coloring sheets and a paper plane he could put together with her.
He went to his parents with the child, then he called me and he said he was coming over so I could meet her. And that’s when hell broke lose!
They arrive and I asked them to come in, he said no, she behaved awful at my parents, he asked me to give him the comforter we bought for her, I gave it to him, and went to the car with him to greet the child…At first, she was shy, but five minutes later she warmed up to me so easily, that it was wonderful, except for his attitude, he seemed to be angry at something or someone, he refused to interact with the child and me, I asked him for a few easy things, like something to wipe her nose and he barked at me, the child was happy with me and I was thrilled! I failed to see there was something wrong with him. The more the child laughed, the stressed he got. To a point that he yelled he had to go right away. So I began saying good bye to the child, she began asking why I had to leave, and I told her I had to leave because I had important things to do, I did not mention he was the one who wanted to go!! She began crying, and he got mad and said that I had made the child cry!! So they left, he did not say good bye to me at all…he didnt’ even look at me when he drove off…I called him and he never answered the phone, never again…I tried to call him again on Monday, and after a few tries, I decided to leave him alone, I was sure he was going to call! He did at five pm, and when I was telling him how much fun I had with the child and how wonderful she is, he interrupted me and said “those were the ugliest forty minutes in my life! You manipulated and ignored me!!! And I have never felt so bad! you did not respect me!!” I was bewildered, I asked him what was going on! The more I remember Sunday, I did not ignore him, let alone manipulate him, and certainly I never showed lack of respect! I was stupid enough to think that seeing his daughter happy and laughing, will put him at ease…wrong…
I haven’t talked to him since, he does not want to talk to me, and I have no clue why he doesn’t want to talk to me..
I don’t know if I did something wrong, I made a child happy, I thought I was making him happy, and it turns out I got myself dumped! Last time I talked to him was Monday afternoon.
We have been together for over two years, we met when the baby was three months old. The child’s mother did not want to marry him, and neither did he. This was an accident, he barely knew her, this was a one night stand. Since then, he has gone to hell and back, and I have been there for him, stuck with him through thick and thin, since either of us had children before, we are not the most experienced people on earth, but I have been there, we read books, asked for advice, and I have been there for him all the time. Now when he decides to introduce the child, he displays a behaviour I have never seen in him, and now refuses to talk to me…
I wish I could learn, I wish I could be different, being what I am is hurting me a lot!
Manipulation never crossed my mind, I did what I thought was best under the circumstances. If anyone out there has advice, please do!!
Thank you Muse, for your kind words!
Love
Annie
May 20th, 2008 at 7:52 am
Oh Annie, how sad–for you and for his little girl.
I don’t want to be cruel, Annie, but it sounds as though you are well rid of that man; his behavior strikes me as potentially abusive. He is not worthy of you and your large and generous heart. Don’t let him crush your spirit–you deserve so much better.
Annie, you get to grieve for a while–for the loss of the relationship and perhaps even more for the loss of the dream. It’s OK to lick your wounds for a bit. And then you will pick yourself up and find another man–a better man–one who will honor and respect you and care for you. A winner and a keeper, not a loser. There will come a day when you look back with gratitude for your escape.
I cringe to think what that little girl is growing up with. She can’t escape. Not yet.