We’re in Week Three of our examination of how we relate to experiences. This week, let’s look at:

If it hasn’t happened to me, it isn’t real.

Or at least it isn’t important.

To a certain extent, this is a good, healthy attitude. After all, if we had the same intensity of emotional response to everything that happened to someone else as we do to the events in our own lives, we’d be emotional wrecks. But at the same time, it’s just too easy for us to completely ignore the relevance of other people’s experience.

One of the most common manifestations of this mindset is the, “It won’t happen to me.” attitude. It’s especially common in teenagers who haven’t discovered that they are not immortal yet. Yet we all do it. “I won’t have a heart attack.” “I won’t get a sunburn.” “I won’t be mugged on the street.”

And then, if/when it does happen, we’re stunned!

It’s not always about health and well-being, either. Say, for example, you see a picture of a fox in a book. That’s one level of experience, but it’s not reality. Then you watch a show about foxes on television. OK, but you’re still not sure they’re real. You see one in a zoo. Fine, they do exist in real life. And then, you see one in your back yard on a snowy winter’s day, and suddenly you have a whole new appreciation and relationship with foxes. (This actually happened to me. Foxes are beautiful animals!)

So what aspects of reality are you denying? This week, notice when you accept something as real and when you don’t. What makes the difference?

Last week we looked at the fallacious notion that everyone has the same experiences, knowledge and attitudes as we do. This week, let’s look at another assumption we make about our experiences:

I’m the only one who’s ever done this/felt this way.

It’s the exact opposite of last week’s assumption, and it’s equally false. It generally shows up in a negative way as in, “No one else is as bad at time management/self-discipline/organization, etc., as I am.” In fact, the number one comment I hear in my teleclasses is, “It’s so wonderful to realize that I’m not the only one.”

So you’re not the only one who has whatever issue you think is yours alone. This week, watch for that “no one else is . . .” mindset, and remind yourself that there are thousands, if not millions, of other people who feel the exact same way.

And if you want to be an overachiever, go on the Internet and find yourself a support group. There’s one out there no matter what your challenge, problem, or issue is.

You are not alone.

Let’s explore how we deal with our experiences this month.

In my coaching, and in my life, I’ve noticed that humans have basically four ways of dealing with experiences—and being the complex and contrary animals that we are, we use all of them, even though they can be contradictory at times.

So let’s start with the first:

If I’ve had this experience, then everyone has had it.

Often we assume that because we know something, or have done something, everyone knows it, or has done it. (This holds for many of our attitudes, also.) For example, I bake bread. I enjoy it. So I assume that everyone knows how to bake bread, wants to bake bread, and does bake bread. (Which leaves me wondering who buys the commercial loaves at the grocery store. I assume that it’s people who just don’t have the time.)

I also (obviously) like to write, so I assume everyone does. Same with gardening, hiking, bird watching, etc. I like cats, and so does the whole world, right?

This week, notice how often you assume that everyone has the same experiences, attitudes, and knowledge that you have, and recognize that it’s just not so. While you’re at it, stop and appreciate the differences!

When is the last time you heard—and I mean REALLY heard—a compliment?

It feels as though this society, in its false guise of praising modesty, has turned us blind and deaf to our own accomplishments and to the honest praise that they earn. But if we don’t appreciate our accomplishments, and don’t hear the tributes that they earn, pretty soon we end up wondering what we are working for. We lose our motivation, our desire. All we have left is self-discipline. And discipline without desire gets stale and old very, very quickly. And eventually, it fails.

I challenge you, this week, to open your eyes and ears and heart and soul and mind to compliments. Compliment yourself. Compliment others, and notice whether they are accepted or not. As uncomfortable as it may be, let yourself take it in. Feel how good it is.

The way you react to failure has an impact on how successful you are. People who are afraid of failure, or see it as a terrible, hideous thing, tend not to take on new projects, learn new skills, or take advantage of opportunities. They play it safe, and stagnate.

Successful people, on the other hand, see failure as simply a result of an experiment. Something didn’t work. So, what will? And then they try something else.

The truth is, failure isn’t bad. It’s the messages you send to yourself that can be a problem.

This week, notice how you consider the possibility of failure as you go through your life. Do you accept it, or do you avoid it? What are the messages you’re telling yourself about failure?

As you go through your life, you–and, of course, your priorities–change. Remember back in high school how important some things were? Things like having a date for the prom, making good grades, or going out for a team. Those things don’t matter quite so much any more. In fact, I haven’t worried about being asked to the prom in decades!

So when you worry and fuss about things that feel important now, ask yourself: will they matter in five or ten years? And if they probably won’t, what are you fussing about?

So often we consider our self-worth and self-esteem to be bound up in how much we accomplish each day. And then when we have one of those inevitable, frustrating days where we just can’t get much done, we feel as though we personally are diminished. And this just makes us feel worse.

The truth is, what we are is not bound up in what we do. And our worth is not based on what we do, but on who we are, and on how we show up in the world. (And I don’t mean appearance-wise, either.)

This week, try to do a bit less, and be a bit more. And enjoy!

Summer has always been a special time of year - a time that brings, or at least seems to, fewer responsibilities, a sense of holiday. Summer, that season of growth and blossoming, is a great time to start something new.

What would you like to start this summer? How would you like to grow and blossom between now and autumn? And as you ponder this question, get out of your head. Ponder this with your heart - and the heart of the creative child within.

Once I wrote in the Weekly Challengers, “If you think you’re too small to make a difference, then you’ve never been in a bedroom with a mosquito.”

Well, I am in my office with a very loud and persistent fly - and it won’t land long enough for me to swat it with my flyswatter.

It’s such a little thing, and yet terribly annoying, wearing, and disruptive. I’m trying to write, here! I can feel that buzzing eroding away at my concentration and focus. It’s easier to put aside big challenges and concerns than it is to ignore that fly.

We all have buzzing flies in our lives, dragging our attention from what is really important, picking away at our peace of mind, tugging at our attention like a cranky three year old. Some coaching schools call them tolerations. This week, take a look at what little things in your life are sapping your focus, your energy, your fun. How can you get rid of some of them?

There’s a lot of information in your emotions. If something makes you really upset, it’s usually because a value of yours has been violated or a need of yours has been ignored. If something makes you happy, it’s often because a value of yours has been honored or a need met.

This week, explore what lies behind the emotions you feel. What really made you so upset? What value is represented there? And how do you honor that value in your life?

And conversely, what really made you happy? What’s that value? Where else does it show up?